Top reasons to not take a date to eat dim sum at Golden Unicorn
Last night I googled for some story and the third link on the result page was from the HuffPo. What was on that HuffPo page? A twenty-five word blurb about the story at NYTimes. On the result page, the NYTimes page for the story was the fifth link, two below the new AOL entity. I've heard that at HuffPo, since they get so much traffic, they can real-time test post titles and utilize a/b testing to figure out which one people click on more. Then the more popular one becomes the permanent one. And thus, useless page at HuffPo that just links to NYTimes, where the story was. It's depressing. I don't want to just talk about some good dim sum at Golden Unicorn. Nevermind that it's a solid place to go in NYC's Chinatown, even though all the food enthusiasts clamor for BK or Queens. Seriously, the outter boroughs are not Hong Kong. So to have a quality post, I gotta stuff it with keywords and hope for the best. Also I learned, apparently talking about whether a restaurant is useful for dating is a good way to get in the good graces of Larry and Sergei. Without further adieu, let's talk about a dim sum restaurant here in NY where you probably don't want to take your dates.
Why is dim sum not a great place to take a date? Let me count the ways.
Number 1: It's loud as shit at a dim sum place. If you're taking your SO (Significant Other), you probably want to have some nice conversation about random shit like where you gonna eat when you attend a wedding in California. Or what to do when the in-laws come to town, or what would you do if a Martian came and abducted one of you, RIGHT NOW. You know, easy stuff. You'll want some peace and quiet. At most dim sum restaurants though, it's loud and you gotta share a table with other folks and their voices may pollute the one you really want to hear.
As much as good pork shumai and shrimp cheong fun can do to lift your moods, distracting noises are still that.
Number 2: You might have to stand around in a cramped area and wait to get seated. Basically dim sum in NY's Chinatown works like this... if you go before noon, the wait isn't too bad and the restaurant isn't too packed. Even at a large place like Golden Unicorn or a Jing Fong, it gets super packed after 12 or 12:30. The wait will be 45 minutes or more. Why would you wanna stand around? There's no bar at a Dim Sum place. What, you gonna all be like, "Hun, hold up. I need to foursquare this shit while we stand around." Not a good look.
Sometimes not even fluffy taro thingy (yutou jiao/wu gok) can make up for the lost time of standing around. That's the other thing, sometimes you wait and wait... then the restaurant runs out of certain items. Last time I went to Golden Unicorn, they had these great desserts, especially by Chinese food standards. But they'll run out of that green stuff if you go late.
Number 3: You don't want to take a date to a dim sum place because you're constantly trying to order something. At most restaurants, you order once, they come and bring the food. At a dim sum place, you order from carts. Carts are small so they only carry certain items. If you want a variety of food, you must order from a few different carts. Then you're turning around all the time to see what the cart ladies have. And I don't know why but dudes don't push carts at dim sum restaurants. Sometimes it just feels like this, "Ok hold on sweet-tea-pie, but ordering these pork buns is more important than you finishing that sentence." See, it's rude.
Number 4: Sometimes you get weird food that's off-putting at a dim sum parlor. I know good eating Chinese folks that don't eat Chicken feet. Maybe their moms dropped their ass a lot as a kid, I dunno. Chicken feet is good to me, but some just don't like it. Sometimes you eat the beef spare ribs with black pepper, and there's a gristly piece of fat that's not chewable. Usually when I encounter unchewable things, I spit it out. I'm a spitter. Obviously there's no harm in swallowing either, since the fat gets demolished by your stomach acids anyway. But I'm a spitter, so that means you end up spitting this nasty chewed up shit on a plate. That ain't good for a date. Now maybe this paragraph helps my SEO for spitting vs. swallowing. I'm ok with that. Oh right, this is about Dim sum, so on we go!
Golden Unicorn is actually a great place for dim sum in New York. Maybe it's not THE best in all five boroughs, but it's serviceable. The wait is usually not bad before 12 noon and after 1:00 PM in the afternoon. Sure it's no Chinatown Brasserie, but most brunch places are not. At least here, they got shiny seat covers to disguise how nasty the real seats might be, and that's about as classy as it gets in Chinatown. So maybe it's not for dates, but it's still fun to go with your SO.
Golden Unicorn
18 E Broadway.
New York, NY 10002
212-941-0911
(I invite you to follow me on Twitter so you can get more of my non-sense in another medium.)
Nah dude, it totes depends on the person. I'm going to use dim sum as a metric for any girl I date. If she's not down with pork buns, and chicken feet don't get her going... then she's probably a no go for me.
Nicholas
May 3, 2011 6:43 pm
How about using the dim sum experience as a litmus test? You gotta see if a girl or guy can show some flex in regards to handling loud and crowded spaces, unfamiliar foods, and our future Chinese overlords. I know that's not what you were going for here, but hopefully this extra sentence involving words about dates, good dates, dim sum dates, and dates in Chinatown helps with that SEO shit. DIM SUM DATE
James
May 3, 2011 11:29 pm
Funny thing is that I was craving dim sum the other day. Great post and totally true. I wish there was a decent Chinese restaurant that served dim sum without the wait and proper seating-really dislike it when I get put next to strangers. Anyhow, I would be going on a 'date' so I don't suppose it is a good idea to bring them here =x
Kumi
May 4, 2011 12:08 am
Dim sum would be great to avoid random awkward silences on a date because there's just so much going on.
Anyway, I don't go to dim sum to talk. I go to shove food in my mouth. Delicious food.
Also, I agree that Golden Unicorn is solid for dim sum.
hungry
May 4, 2011 12:26 pm
If you don't looka hot sucking a chicken foot then you no good to me. Actually if it's just 2 of you at the table, dim sum is not as fun b/c you can't order as many different kinds of dishes. You'd be full after the 4th dish. Or you can just take it in a doggy bag I guess (but somebody once told me that's a first date turn-off).
luvsocks
May 5, 2011 3:17 pm
Nice pictures and good points. I think that most of the restaurants in Chinatowns all over the U.S. have the same problems (loud, cramped...). For me, I would say that the top 3 dim sum restaurants in the U.S. are not in New York chinatown.
Dad
May 6, 2011 9:28 am
@Nicholas,
haha, pork buns and chicken feet are really important food groups. I think in general though, I think most of us food bloggers need a SO who's decently willing to try new things. So in that regard, I'm lucky because my girlfriend is totally into food (chicken feet or not).
@James,
You and Nick are on the same wave length about the litmus test. Also, you're the man for helping with the SEO! haha. I think showing some flex is important, as well as setting up an environment that sets you up for 'success'. Too bad SEO can't pick up that sentence, oh wellz!
@kumi,
There actually are dim sum places where you sit down and order. Chinatown Brasserie is one that I like although it's more expensive. There's another called Red Egg.
@hungry,
Yup, dim sum would help to avoid the awkward silences. Although I guess if there's too much of that, the awkward silences serve to help as a good signal that maybe it's not working out!
@Dad,
Thanks Dad. It's unfortunate that most dim sum places are loud and cramped. There's so much space in this country though!
Danny
May 6, 2011 11:54 am
I will cook all these dishes! I'm sure they are delicious! custom essays writing
PeterSmith
August 1, 2011 2:34 am
we have a dim sum place just around the corner here, but let me tell you they definitely serve the delicacies that have seen over here. This is not your average dim sum plates though..
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vinnie
December 14, 2011 9:48 am