This is a poo
Today's post will be epic. I will talk about things that other food bloggers just aren't talking about because it's too gross. Also, I'll talk about how much of an asshole I am. And show you through a hypothetical example why that is. First thing is first, so let's get started... Kids, today's topic is diarrhea. So if you're squeamish or if you just want something more appetizing to read about, please leave now. I'm serious, it's gonna start in a couple of sentences so if you don't want to, just leave. No hard feelings, and normal programming will resume in a couple of days. I'm surprised that it hasn't been covered more before. You eat a lot of food, and sooner or later it's going to happen. Maybe you have a stomach of steel or maybe your shit smells like Mother Theresa but I'm douchebag racist Dan! And my poo don't smell like roses. So yesterday I went and ate/drank from five different places that have been covered by big time NYC food blogs or NYC traditional media. Names of which I won't mention. Rest assured, if I name them, there's at least one reputable food blog that would rave about its food, but none of its fast poo inducing properties.
None of the places looked dirty. None of the places was in Chinatown, Flushing, or any other ethnic neighborhood. In fact, in every place, it was basically all pretty good neighborhoods. So right away, this does away with the notion that one only gets sick when eating at dirty establishments. Of course, since I ate at so many different places, it's difficult to pinpoint where it all went wrong. I also feel like it's important to note that at no point today was I stuffed with food. It was five different places, and very very manageable portion sizes. So I didn't get sick from eating too much. Since I can't name the places, it means I have to delete pics from my current memory card, you get to read stuff like this! Hurray!
That's the thing about letter grades... could they help restaurants keep your poo solid? You know, you eat something, go home, and pee out of your ass. You're like, "Well, shit happens." You may or may not link the liquid poo with the food consumption... but I mean, something musta happened along the way, right? Look, I don't care for stupid rules where restaurants get docked for reasons unrelated to food preparation and safety. But let's say letter grades help restaurants shore up where they were lax before... would less people get brown colored Niagra falls coming out of their ass? I'm not sure what the answer is to that. Maybe it wouldn't have an effect at all. So all this talk about letter grades is just hot air.
The other thing that's funny is that yea... these five places... I'm telling you, food bloggers that visit them basically only have praise. So is there just something wrong with me? Was it just an off day? Was it just karma coming back to bite my ass because I'm a TERRIBLE tipper? I also have to admit this now, since I'm talking about shit anyway... I'm a terrible tipper. Like, really really bad. Most people who love food tip 20% because they know the restaurant workers don't make all that much. But today at one of the five establishments, they had one of those "suggested tip for 15% 20% 25%" I pretty much just tip 15%. Here's what makes me a horrible tipper though. So I bust out the calculator on my phone to see how they do their numbers. It wasn't much of a surprise but they calculate the tip for you based upon the number plus tax. Essentially your tip then becomes X% of food/drinks + X% of local sales tax. This is pretty asshole of me to not just follow the unspoken rules because honestly what's the difference at the end? The differences is almost always less than a dollar, so what does it matter anyway? Still, I tip on the food/drinks alone. Damn it Danny!Lastly, I want to talk about a random hypothetical situation my friends and I were talking about this week. Suppose you're standing at the side of a busy street. Maybe Houston street here in New York. Some stranger walks up to you and says, "In a minute, a small child will dart into the street, on the path of an oncoming bus. I want to pay you $8 dollars for your to dart into the street, risking your life, to save the small child." Basically my take on this is this: If it's your own child or like a relative or a close friend, you'd do everything to save that child. But if it's a stranger, I'd just wave bye-bye. So the question is this, would you put your own life at risk for $8 dollars? If yes, is it because there's a small child involved? If no, is it because your life is worth more to you than the life of a stranger/child? Or because $8 dollars isn't enough? Anyway, all good shit has to come to an end. For the rest of the week, hopefully I can find some other stuff to talk about that I didn't eat this past weekend. Anyway, if I had a glass, I'd toast everyone and cheers to solid poo!
@brandy,
That's interesting to think about... that if I leave shitty tip, then my butthole will be shitty too. Something to keep in mind next time!
@Perry,
you're a brave man. i still don't want to get the runs though... haha
Danny
August 5, 2010 11:04 pm
I've had this problem occasionally too. My motto to readers is "we get the runs so you don't have to".
Perry
August 5, 2010 12:44 pm
sorry about yr poop chute. honestly.
NOW ONTO THE TIPPING...
i understand that you feel screwed when tipping after tax but thinking that 15% is acceptable is silly. in miami(esp in the tourist traps) the gratuity is included in the bill but the only way you'd know is if you break out yr high powered specks and catch the tiny print on the menus and checks...THAT'S BULLSHIT! that's not the case in most establishments. why don't you think of it this way "i had a delightful time eating here and my server took care of me. if i were to TRY and make this at home, GEE GOLLY, it sure would have been a task. i'm thankful that there are folks out there willing to wait on me and let me relax" then you tip 20% on the SERVICE BEFORE THE TAX and the server is justly rewarded and you can feel as though you only shelled out what YOU FEEL IS FAIR. stingy people leaving SHITTY tips get SHITTY butthole.
brandy
August 4, 2010 11:07 pm
no use of the C word again, Danny.
We're all very disappointed in you :-)
Fred
August 3, 2010 1:56 pm
@Lamchop,
Ooh yea Kitchen Nightmares don't inspire confidence in eating out... but thankfully if people really got sick all the time, these restaurants would close down.
@Nicholas,
Hahaha, we're all awful in our own ways! But at least you tip well, that's good.
@FN,
hahaha. Not those places. Sorry to disappoint you though... I wish it could be like, places w/o AC in the summer and places where the food taste bad are the ones that made you sick, then you'd have all these signs telling you how to avoid 'em! Alas, they're always disguised and you don't find out until a few hours later...
@Fred,
Damn, I'm losing it!
Danny
August 3, 2010 2:00 pm
Haha, funny article! You know, I would be completely indifferent towards these letter grades if I hadn't seen every episode of Kitchen Nightmares... especially since a few of the restaurants featured on the show were based in NY!!
Lamchop
August 2, 2010 8:08 pm
I'm pretty sure Mother Theresa didn't smell like the latest perfume from Chanel... but the point is well taken.
As far as pissing from your ass, I don't think it's because you're a bad tipper, I'm pretty sure it just comes with the territory of eating out a lot. I used to tip delivery guys well above 25% based on how cold it was/how much they were shivering, and I'm pretty sure it's never protected me from getting sick (maybe because I'm an awful person for other reasons haha).
Nicholas
August 2, 2010 9:06 pm
Please tell me two of the five are Shake Shack and Momofuckyou...
FN
August 3, 2010 1:41 am
I stop following bad tippers. It's terrible manners and that's much more disgusting than diarrhea
Erin
August 2, 2010 4:39 pm
Thanks for stopping by!
Danny
August 2, 2010 4:43 pm